A Constant Struggle.... Always.

I have debated with myself over and over about posting a blog about this subject.  For so long now I keep finding myself saying "No, it's too personal." I love blogging and sharing with others, but some things I rather just leave people guessing....

So now you're all wondering what I am talking about. 

My weight.

Maybe I was in denial for a while, but after thinking about it.... This inner monster has battled with me since Junior High.  Yes, I have been at a healthy weight for most of that time, but I have never been happy with my body.  I have never looked in the mirror and said "Dang Girl, You're all that and a bag of chips."

Speaking of chips....  Just kidding.

So back to my struggle.  I am now at the highest weight I have ever been. I have this false expectation that weight should be falling off of me now that I had Kora... but the truth is... It's sticking like glue.  I keep reminding myself that I didn't gain all this weight overnight and I sure as heck won't lose it all overnight! It is going to take lots of time.  Thank goodness I have all the time in the world.  Well, kind of.

So now you're all thinking..... the terrible, horrible, NO GOOD, very bad question.  How much do I weigh?  I feel like if I spill the beans (More like lay off the beans) then I will keep myself accountable. I feel like if I scream at the world... "Hey, I'm really struggling here.... I'm unhealthy and I want to change!" Maybe someone else will get motivated and change their life with me. 

192 lbs.... That's the damage. And I say damange because our bodies aren't meant to carry this much weight, and neither are our organs. You know, the important things that keep you alive? 

All I have is excuses.

Korea (It was rough), Getting on Anti-Depressants (Yes, I'm human), Birth-Control (They say it can make you gain weight), Cupcakes (They're so good), Holidays (There's always a holiday), Being Pregnant (The more sweets you eat the sweeter the kid), Cupcakes (Always wanting cupcakes)..... That's all they are, Excuses.

Now this is where I change my excuses into actions.  I am now holding myself accountable. I don't want to be embarrassed anymore. 

Things I Hate:

• Wearing jeans everyday during the 100 degree plus summers because I won't wear shorts.
• Logan.... He hasn't been swimming before because I won't wear a swimsuit. 
• If a Zombie was running after me... I would die... because I am overweight. (Hey, This lady could feed our whole clan!)
• Getting my picture taken.
• Shopping for clothes.
• Thinking about
• Exercising in front of people.
• How all the yummy food is SO BAD for you. 
• And the list goes on.....

Anyway... my point is that it's time for me to get back to where I want to be. I want to bring sexy back! For real this time.  I am done having babies so at least this time I can get to my goal body (weight too, but really that doesn't matter if you're fit and healthy.) and work to maintain.

Here's a picture of right before I met James and a picture of right after I met him.

(Yes, I know it's hard to believe but I was a Bud Girl.)

 

This is me now:

So here we go....  First step is admitting there is a problem and finding a way to fix it. I'm being honest with you... and with myself. Only hardwork will get me to where I need to be... where I WANT to be. 

**Disclaimer- This blog isn't going to become a crazy fitness blog, but it will have updates on my weigh-ins and daily struggles.**

Readjusting... and lots of transitions.

Well, we're back in the land of the free.  You could tell the second we stepped off the plane when you saw the facial peircings and wild hair styles.  For the most part, Korea was the land of the calm.  Their fashion sense was odd, but nothing compared to Americans. 

The culture shock was terrible.  I kept staring and listening to everyone speak.  It was amazing.

Then I went shopping... so overwhelming.  There was so much that I wanted. I have already been to 5 different stores for returns because I was just on a shopping binge. 

Our sleep hasn't been bad.  We are all tired, but that's to be expected.  It's actually been a nice change going to bed early and waking up with the Sun.  I'm not sure I ever did that willingly. 

So people are probably asking what's the hardest part about coming back?

Most people would say the money.... (You make LOTS of extra money being in Korea.)  I would have to say the sense of Independence. I am really struggling with the fact that in Korea you NEED people.  You meet someone and they become your family.  You lean on them through the good and bad.  You spend holidays with them.  You and your spouse become so incredibly close. You are together every minute (besides them working) and you become ONE.  Then............ you move back to America.  Everyone is expendable here. Even if you don't think of someone close to you like that, they technically are when compared to a trying situation in your life; such as Korea.  If your main friends couldn't go explore or go out to eat you just don't go that day.  Here, there are about 50 people that can go.  Your possiblities are endless.  You can eat what you want.... Dress how you want.... See who you want. 

I guess it's hard for me.  I depend on them.  No matter if I am back in the US or not. 

My mom took Logan for the morning this past week and I felt sick to my stomach. For TWO years I had him everyday.  Maybe a little break here and there, but he was with his dad.  It was really hard for me to let go.  It was good for us.  I know this.... but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard.  Logan loved it, and didn't even think twice which made me happy. 

But with James it's even harder.  He has been my absolute BEST friend.  Everytime I've cried it was to him.... When I was sick he was there.  If I was hungry we ate together.  We watched almost every single show together. When a load of laundry was being done it had both of our clothes.  It's hard to readjust.  Especially after it's been so long. It's not like he is far.... but he isn't at work so it's different.  It's hard to feel like you aren't first choice anymore.  

DISCLAIMER:  I am 29 weeks pregnant!! I am VERY emotional with all these changes! Don't hate! :)


So that's what's going on with me.  With Us. We are still transitioning.  Readjusting. And again.... We are waiting.  Not sure when we will be getting a house, but hopefully it will be soon.  I need a place to put all my shopping bags and unpack these suitcases.

Hopes and Dreams.... Maybe Crushed?

Yesterday we got some heartbreaking news... His orders to CO got deleted. I'm not sure how long I cried that night. We had so many dreams for our next duty station.  Not to mention my WHOLE family was going to be living there. My mom and step-dad will be moving there this summer. Same with my aunt and cousin.  ALL my siblings live there. My nieces and nephew.

We were going to buy a house. 

We were going to have our 2nd child there.

We were actually going to be able to go on dates leaving our children with people we know and trust.

We had so many plans.

I know with the Army you can't make plans, but this seemed like for once things were going our way.  James was going to get a break. Not from deploying.... We are OK with that.  It is his job. At least I would be around family. And friends.

Well now... Our path has been unexpectedly changed.  In my words I would describe it as "Ripped from right under our feet."  I don't understand.

I can hear all the comments now "Well... That's the Army for you."  

Yes, I know it is.  Still doesn't make it hurt less.

I wanted to be by my family... after two years I really think this should be possible.

I still feel like there is some hope.  Maybe just a little.  I am going to Pray every day and night. As hard as I can.

When will there be light at the end of our tunnel?

We will see what the next few months holds for us.  I am going to remain hopeful.  And no matter where we go... I'll make the best of it with my husband, son and growing baby!

I was made to be Courageous.

This movie was made to change lives.  Just like Fireproof.  When was the last time you sat down and watched a movie with no cuss words... and a message about God. It made my soul feel so good.

So many times I hear people say "Oh, they say they are Christians but they don't act like it." We are the number one group that is judged because of our stance in life.  I don't blame anyone for judging either. I know I have strayed away several times in my life. Doesn't mean I'm NOT a Christian. It just means I messed up.  I made a bad decision. It's certainly not hard. Especially when you are around so many people who don't believe. It's not their fault. It's my fault. I find it easier when I surround myself around others who believe in the same things I do. It's important to me.

I want my children to grow up in a house that serves the Lord. I want to lead by example.

I choose to believe in God. I remember the day. I remember asking my parents to bring me to church on Wednesdays and on Sundays. I was 13 years old. I made the choice... and I have never looked back once.  Again, I'll admit I have strayed for one reason or another. HE understands. I always have came back. I love HIM. HE makes me feel whole. HE makes me feel like I have a bigger purpose in life.

The world is changing. Everyday. It's not the same as it use to be. That doesn't mean we don't need something to believe in.  It doesn't matter what it is. As long as it's positive then you should be able to choose your path of faith.

I was made to be courageous. 
I was made to follow HIS path.
I was made to share my light.

Today I am grateful for WHO I AM.

I hope everyone reads this and know that it's OK to stand up for what you believe in.  You don't have to be mean about it... or over-powering.  Just be kind. And stand up with love.  You're more likely to get people to believe in you are your mission. Whatever that is.

God has never left my side.

I am a Believer.

Three years and counting.

Yesterday was Logan's 3rd Birthday... and today was his party.  We celebrated with so many people that have influenced our lives while living in Korea. Even though we are away from family, they made his day so very special.  Everyone I invited came. It was crazy. At least 40 people.  Even with that many people in a tiny Korean apartment... it still felt perfect.

I teared up (pregnancy hormones) a few times from seeing so much love!  The books were amazing. We will forever cherish them. Logan will get to hear me tell him stories from this party. The toys were great too. The homemade gifts were so thoughtful!

It was surreal looking at everyone and thinking about how we met.  (This isn't in any particular order)

The Tabbs (6)- I bought clothes from Bek off the flea market when we first got here. She was (still is) such a refreshing soul. So full of LOVE. A Flintstones vitamin and piece of gum means more to me then she'll ever know! Now in our SEPT Club.

Sheila- Oh my crafty, crafty goddess.... I envy her craft room!  She is so straightforward and honest. She has opened my eyes to so many worlds of crafting and I love her for that! I hope she gets her Kitchen Aid Mixer...

Allie- I found her on the flea market... and I'm so glad I contacted her.  She helps take stress off my shoulders by giving us a clean home while being so sweet! I love getting to chat with her when she comes to visit! Logan loves her too!

Brittney (&Carson)- My hometown girl! She is from Texas... only an hour from where I'm from.  When I'm around her I just feel at home. She is also in the SEPT (well, Aug...but close enough) club.

Sheleah (&Ro)- Oh Sheleah... My most opinionated friend. This is one trait about her that I wouldn't trade for the world! She knows who she is which is more than most! Not to mention that sweet baby girl of hers! I remember meeting her and Mike at the park walking our dogs. That's when I had that awful beagle for a week! Ahh! She started the SEPT club! We even got the results together AND ultrasound :)

Krystal (Hails & Jessie)- The Todds. I met Jesse first! He was so excited for Krystal to finally get to Korea and for the birth of Hailey.  Now they are waiting on baby girl #2. It's a recruiting kind of love for us both!

Tara (Dejay, Destiny &Dallas)- Met her on FB and I am so thankful I did.  She shares her kiddo with me twice a week. He is so wonderful. Quiet but known.  She swears he acts up at home...  but I don't believe it! Her other kiddos are just as sweet!  Dallas reminds me of my little brother! Every time I look at him "Ryan" flashes in my mind. Destiny is so polite.  She is always telling me what a great job I do! Who can't love a sweet spirited girl! Tara is so dependable and seriously needs to come to Carson! I would truly enjoy a few more years getting to hang out!

Shay (Maddox & Cameron)- We met through Tara. Maddox is only a few days older than Logan. Maddox use to hate coming to my house... now... he loves it. Always brings a little toy with him. Shay has my back. She makes me laugh everyday. I enjoy her company. We need to have a Valentine's Day Craft Sessions!   She introduced me to Racheal! Such a great group of girls!

Chelsea (Jayden)- I went to high school with her hubby. I know that doesn't automatically makes us friends... but it sure made it easier to meet her! She has been a lifeline... in so many ways. I could type all day about her and Jayden. Mark too! We have spent almost every holiday together since being here! Love them!

Saralynn (Family of 8)- SUCH a sweet spirit. Her whole family is. All 8 of them. They have helped me move furniture, walked my dog, watched my dog, let me play a special role in their Christmas... She has opened her ears for me... let me cry... Found out I was a "2." She is and will always be special to me!!

Erika (THE Decker's)- Not sure why we always refer to them... even if it's just her... as one! :)  We have LOTS in common. Busy schedules but I see a change in our hangout pattern.  Her family really came through for Logan's birthday. It made me feel so fortunate! And Mikey.... Holy Moly he is growing up so fast!  Did I mention her hubby is a Ranger fan? James approves!!

Rouzer (JR)- Oh this girl. We met on a FB group before we moved to Korea. I remember counting down with her.  She hates pancakes... which I think isn't normal but she is just amazing. Tiny in size... but the times we have gotten together she leaves a huge impact.

Audrey and Kim (Maya & Trevor)- They don't live together but almost every time I've seen them they are together! I love their friendship and their kids! They were my first kiddos when I started having play dates.  Maya has always given me a run for my money and Trevor has grown into this little man! I can't believe they are both leaving!!!

Cassie (&Bella)-  My Southern belle.  So sweet.... I love Bella too. Makes me smile that Bella would rather play with dinosaurs when she is at my house and calls Logan, Lego.  She stands up for God and that is my favorite thing about her!  Not to mention she is ALWAYS dressed to the T.... Arabella too!




Pictures to come! LOTS of pictures!