Saturday, February 21, 2015
Having siblings, but being an only child.
Anyone else like this? I have several siblings, but when my mom remarried I was 9 years old and we moved to TX. My siblings were older so they chose to stay in CO. My little brother obviously stayed with his mom. I grew up here in TX and they grew up there in CO…. I became an only child.
I know it sounds like an amazing set up… having brothers and sisters when I needed a friend or advice, but got all the attention at home. I’m just here to say it is one of the biggest struggles I think about daily. It’s so hard to watch them all grow as people… without me.
Let’s be honest… I know we think about each other and love one another, but we miss(ed) life with them. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving…. I’m so glad they get together and celebrate. It’s still hard not to be a little bit envious. I wish my kids knew what it was like to have them in their everyday lives. I hope and pray every single day that my kids follow their dreams, but stay close. I can’t describe the feeling of watching my nieces and nephews grow up in pictures. It hurts my heart. We all have had babies, and only got to hold them once or twice. I'm still hoping to meet my newest nephew soon. You want to snuggle and love and kiss on them… but instead you watch someone else do it.
We can visit whenever we want, but it’s hundreds of dollars and traveling with THREE kids. Whew. It's just hard.
We try our best. We really do. I just feel like the longer we are apart the easier it is. When I see them it is such an emotional high (Does that even sound right? I can’t describe it!) that I can’t even imagine how I have lived without them for so long.
You are left wondering what it would be like to have a huge Thanksgiving with everyone at the same table. Or how they look under the glow of Christmas lights. Even after 22 years, I still constantly think about it.
I’m glad I am where I am… and I am thankful that my mom and I moved to TX when we did. We have a bond stronger than the strongest because we were all we had. We depended on each other to explore this new experience. I met my Husband because of that move. I have all my friends because of it. I don’t regret it. I could have moved back… I did move back… But I didn’t know how to fit in and I still felt a huge part of me missing. No matter where I am in the world, I’m always missing someone important to me. I am blessed that I have so many people to love and miss.
I remember when my dad past away and I felt so lost. I wanted to be close to my siblings so I could have daily reminders of him. My sister Jennifer has his humor. She will make you laugh no matter the situation. Humor (sometimes rated R) is her thing. My brother Mike… Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me tear up. He smells like him. Looks like him. Sounds EXACTLY like him. And his hands… they are dad’s hands. Ryan only had 13 years with him and that just isn’t fair, but he got his heart. He is so loving and only sees the absolute best in everyone. Angie wasn’t biologically his (She is my momma’s!) but man did she love him. She would claim him in a second, and I LOVED her for that. We all make a complete puzzle of our dad… when we are together. I just wish we had a little more time to be together.
I also think about what my relationships would be like with my siblings significant others. Or what kind of friendship they would have with my husband.
That’s the thing about life… We all eventually grow up and start our own.
I guess what I am getting at is I miss them terribly.
I miss my nieces and nephews too.
Trying to understand my place in this life. Knowing it's my temporary home makes me rethink the way I have treated some people. I try to have a heart of gold, but at the same time I have an inner struggle of peace. I am determined to change the world. Painting on my canvas of life seems to be the only way to truly feel alive.